On Working

When I was growing up, my mom only had one dream for me: That I go to college and have a career. I don't remember her ever talking to me about someday getting married and/or having children. And while I have always been an independent-minded person, I never questioned that I would go to college and have a career. I figured I would be one of those women who lived alone with her cats and would work at least 60 hours a week.

Well, I did go to college. I liked it so much that I then went on to grad school with every intention of first establishing myself a good career as a librarian and then eventually I would go back to school, get my PhD. and finish my life as a lonely Comparative Literature Scholar and Professor. Some dream, eh?

However, things didn'y work out as planned. First of all, the more I thought about it, the more I decided Comparative Literature wasn't what interested me, but Linguistics. Not too far of a departure from the literature and languages I had studied in the past, but by then I was working as a librarian. For the first time in my life I was getting my debts paid off and though I was "only" working 40 hours a week, I was exhausted. I didn't have enough energy to think too much about more grad school, let alone fill out all the paperwork to get there, and the thought of the time required to do a PhD. was daunting. I longed for the days of going to school (just class with a few term papers here and there) and my 20 hour a week assistantship position. Very quickly after beginning my career as a librarian, I came to this conclusion: working is highly overrated. Did I want to spend my life exhausted, with nothing but work to do? Not really. But what could I do? I was single and I had cats to support.

Quite unexpectedly, during this mini-crisis, I fell in love. This complicated things. Now I was trying to work and have a long-distance social life too. Pretty soon I was just going through the motions at work and spending only the bare minimum time there. I started looking for a different job so I could be closer to my man. I got some interviews and then he asked me to move in with him and then to marry him. I was concerned at the time because I didn't have a job, but he said that it was OK. He could support us, and I thought maybe it was a good time for a break from working. (After all, I HAD been working for two and a half years by then!) So, I accepted. Then we moved to Europe and I had a new language to learn before I could even think about working again.

Well, I have learned the language and now I can think about working again. But in the time that has passed I have discovered so many sides of myself that I never knew were there. They were repressed by the belief that I MUST be a career woman and didn't have the time to enjoy other things. But I do enjoy those things and don't want to give them up.

So, I have some decisions: First, I do want to go back to work. (I am just not cut out to be a housewife) Second, I must be able to balance my working life with my personal life. Third, building a career didn't make me as happy as I thought it would. Fourth, the ideal position for me is one where I can do what I like and am trained to do: i.e., be a librarian, but isn't so demanding that it takes me away from enjoying the rest of my life.

Now, where can I find such a job?

Maybe if I get lucky with one of the two part-time library positions I recently applied for, I will have found the answer.