The Awful German Language

"A person who has not studied German can form no idea of what a perplexing language it is."

While browsing through my unabridged Mark Twain looking for his reference to the Loreley, I came across his hysterical essay entitled "The Awful German Language." For someone who spent the past two years methodically learning German and who is still attempting to perfect her language skills, this essay provided some welcome absurdity to an otherwise nerve-racking task.

On Rules of Grammar

... and when at last he thinks he has captured a rule which offers firm ground to take a rest on amid the general rage and turmoil of the ten parts of speech, he turns over the page and reads, 'Let the pupil make careful note of the following exceptions'...

-- I have pages of exceptions!

On Compound Words

... constructed by the writer on the spot, and not to be found in any dictionary.

-- I actually like being able to make up words as I go along, it takes some of the stress of finding the exact word.

On Trenbares Verben (Separable Verbs)

... the wider the two potions of one of them is spread apart, the better the author of the crime is pleased with his performance.

-- Once you have struggled to locate the entire verb in a German sentence, you know that the person who thought up these separable verbs had a wicked sense of humor.

On Personal Pronouns

sie -> you, she, her, it, they, them

Think of the ragged poverty of a language which has to make one word do the work of six...

-- So who exactly am I talking about now?!

On Gender

Every noun has a gender, and there is no sense or system in the distribution; ...each must be learned separately and by heart.

-- Memorize, Memorize, Memor... what was that again?

In German, a young lady [Mädchen) has no sex [neutral; das], while a turnip [Rübe] has [feminie, die].

-- Go figure!

[Even after learning the gender] he is still in a difficulty because he finds it impossible... to refer to things as 'he' and 'she' and 'him' and 'her,' which he has always been accustomed to refer to as 'it.'

-- I couldn't have said it better myself.

In the essay Twain also has a very entertaining and exact explanation of Case Declination which anyone who has ever struggled with German can not fail to appreciate.

Virtues of German (according to Twain)

Capitalization of nouns

Spelling a word according to sound

In conclusion...

... a gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronunciation) in 30 hours, French in 30 days, and German in 30 years.

-- Well, I guess I only have (being an exceptionally gifted person) 28 more years to go then!

-- all quotes in this post are attributed to the great Mark Twain

read the full text of "The Awful German Language"